Urban Tribe Season Ends with a Bang

Posted October 28, 2009 by Perry
Categories: Kickball Chronicles

The Chicago Urban Tribe finished their season with a big win over Emmit’s last week plating a season high 29 runs on 34 hits. They ended strong with a record of 5-2 and a third place finish. The final game was a bit of a massacre with just too much to record for a complete post. Instead, the team sat around the bar at Union Park and came up with the following Top 10 Moments from last week’s game.

Top 10 Moments from the Game

  • 10  Lindsay was a net in the field catching everything hit her way
  • 9    Architect hits for the cycle
  • 8    Gabby brings the baby that doesn’t blink
  • 7   Joggler’s base running gaff where he got flopped on the ground & put out at 3rd
  • 6    Margaret’s “blazing” speed around the bases
  • 5    Brewmaster’s line shot that hits the pitcher in the gut
  • 4    Jim Gould swinging & missing to strike out
  • 3    Christine catching the final out
  • 2    Ryan going 5 for 5 with 5 runs scored
  • 1    John Kelly diving grab in center field

Of course, the number one moment of this game & possibly the entire season…

*** Ditka hurdling the ball to make it safely into third  ***

Congratulations to everyone for a great season! Check out this page for a complete wrap-up of the season’s stats. John Kelly wins the batting race with an average of .813

But now is the time to forget about the regular season. This is crunch time. The playoffs! It is time for the Urban Tribe to finally ascend the ranks to become the rightful owners of the title, The Greatest Kickball Team in the History of the League.

Are you ready!! Let’s do it.


Urban Tribe Trounces the Emmit Otter Jug Band

Posted October 7, 2009 by Perry
Categories: Kickball Chronicles

Tags: ,

CHICAGO – Three runs in the first inning.

Six runs in the fourth.

Five more in the sixth.

The Urban Tribe (3-1) rounded the bases at a dizzying pace and achieved their second slaughter rule defeat with a 16 – 3 rout of Emmits (2-2).

“This is something freaky. You won’t see anything like this again for a long, long time. I am glad I was on this end of it,” said John Kelly, who kicked one of two UT home runs in the game.

With the score tied at 0-0, the Urban Tribe couldn’t be stopped. Each member of the team finally gelled at the same time.

“It was great to perform so well in front of our fans,” bench coach Joggler said. A record attendance was set with over 6 fans watching the UT dominate.

It was the ninth time a major kickball league team scored 16 runs, and the first since the Chicago Colts set the league mark in a 36-7 rout of Louisville on June 29, 1897, according to the Elias Sports Bureau.

“It was AMAZING in capital letters,” said Lindsay, who had two hits and three RBIs after being called up from Triple-A Oklahoma earlier this season.

Hours after announcing general manager Denim would return for the 2010 season, the Urban Tribe handed out the second most lopsided spanking in franchise history and set a team record for runs scored in two games (34).

The UT had not broken the 15 run barrier in any of their previous nine games.

“I knew we’d get the legs going, but I never expected anything like this,” Gould said. “When the faucet is on, you want it to stay on. You never want to cut it off.”

The Urban Tribe set a team record for hits in an early October game with 23.

“You don’t want to be the one to make the out. You feel like you have to get a hit every time up,” Ditka said, who had 2 runs scored with a double and an RBI.

Christine and Melissa, the bottom two girl kickers in the UT’s lineup, each had two hits and scored two runs.

“That was ridiculous. I have never been in anything like that in my life,” said Melissa, who went 2-for-3 raising her kicking average over 200 points!
Ryan & Architect had four of the UT’s 23 hits, the most by a major kickball team since Milwaukee had 31 in a 22-2 victory over Toronto on Aug. 28, 1992, according to ESPN sports.

The Urban Tribe had 39 at-bats, tying the record for a six-inning game set by Milwaukee in its 1992 rout of Toronto.

The UT added twenty five points to their team batting average, raising it to .582 on the season. They finished with more runs than outs made (18).

They could’ve finished with one more but Brewmaster was pegged in the foot at home. “I still can’t believe that ball beat me to the plate,” said Brewmaster who was winded by the sprint from first base.

Emmits went from 3rd in the league with a 5.44 ERA to 6th at 9.30.

Asked how to handle such a devastating defeat, Emmit’s pitcher replied, “You have a real short memory and you let it go.”

Joggler (3-1) allowed three runs and seven hits over six innings. He managed to set a kickball league record by downing his third opponent with a strikeout looking. He is 3-1 in four starts since the Urban Tribe acquired him from Boston on July 31.

Even with the one-sided score, there was a save. John Kelly earned his second career save and first this season by pitching a scoreless inning.

As good as the offense was, the defense might have even been better. The UT was snagging line drives like they were wearing flypaper. Marathon running Melissa took a smash right at her hands and held on despite the wicked speed. Gabby also was unstoppable at short and Christy just missed doubling up a sliding Emmit player at second base. Architect made a diving grab and Ryan let nothing get past him in center. He even took a low blow which made him glad he wears a cup in kickball.

This week’s game is at 8 pm as the Urban Tribe tries to continue their winning ways against the only remaining undefeated team in the league.

“If we play like we did today,” said Ryan, “there’s no way anyone can beat us.”

Urban Tribe Erupts – Score Fourteen Runs in the First – Victory is Theirs

Posted September 30, 2009 by Perry
Categories: Kickball Chronicles

A cool autumn night
Hoping to avenge last week
The UT arrived

Thirty Siscions

Celebrating a Home Run

Celebrating a Home Run

Lined up to defeat the Tribe
Their hopes would be dashed

Ryan kicked things off
Sixteen hits followed his lead
As did fourteen runs

Denim’s four bagger
Followed by Architect’s too
Impressed the attack

Melissa kicked strong
Pushing Ditka around home
Not always easy

The defense was crisp
Lindsay and Gabby were nets
Balls did not get through

Architect and Gould
Attacked with the rubber ball
Siscions cowered

The Joggler walked one
And gave up a few runs but
One struck out looking

The Tribe coasted on
With a few more runs scored by
Christy and Christine

Siscions were flat
Dress pants and shoes didn’t help
Or their case of beer

Mercy came early
The game was called after five
The Urban Tribe won

Urban Tribe Gets Bounced By Japan

Posted September 22, 2009 by Perry
Categories: Kickball Chronicles

Tags: ,

CHICAGO – A shorthanded, soundless and sober Urban Tribe (1-1) got behind early and wasn’t able to come back against a heavily fortified We Are Huge in Japan (2-0).  When it was over, they suffered their first defeat of the season losing 5-12.

Trouble for the UT started early when they found themselves in an 8 run hole after only three innings.

“Our legs were cold early in the game,” explained team coach Joggler.  The UT was stymied in the first three innings getting no runs, hits or even walks. Scoring for them was harder than getting a Republican to support a public option for the health care system.

“I don’t know what was wrong.  The wind was pretty fierce,” said rookie New Christine who kicked the ball hard but only had one hit to show for it.  “We’ll get ‘em next time.”

The wind also made every hit to the outfield an adventure.  Balls were moving like uncontrolled parachuting Elvises.  At one point a ball kicked to left field had Ditka dancing around like someone trying out for this season’s Dancing With the Stars.

“It was tricky out there,” said Ditka.  “Plus I was still shaken from a prank call I received from Gould this afternoon.”

The errors piled up in the first few innings and Huge in Japan batted around in the second inning.

After that, the UT pulled it together and put out a great defensive effort.  First timer Lindsay caught everything hit her way and Gabby and New Christine hooked up for numerous force plays at second.  Gould had a couple catches at first and Joggler even managed to strike out a guy looking!  The Brewmaster got a real workout at third snagging ball after ball that was booted his way.

“I had so many hit my way I felt like a Kardashian trying to land a husband,” he retorted.

Brewmaster and the rest of the UT offense woke up after the third inning.  He had 3 hits and scored 2 runs.  Gabby also had 3 hits and more importantly, 2 RBIs.  Lead-off man Ryan got things going with 2 hits and 2 runs scored.  Other offense leaders included Lindsay, Gould and the Joggler each with 2 hits.  If you could erase the first three innings, the Urban Tribe would’ve been victorious!  But alas, some things you can’t take back.  Just ask John Edwards and his new love child.

In the end, the Urban Tribe members were resigned.

“We just didn’t get it done today,” sighed Melissa as she gulped down her second beer at Take 5.  “But there’s another game next week. With our full team, we win that game easy.”

The Urban Tribe tries to rebound next week at 9:15.  Come out and cheer them on.

Urban Tribe Mawls the Ballers

Posted September 10, 2009 by Perry
Categories: Kickball Chronicles

Tags: ,

CHICAGO – While the departure of summer brings sadness to some, it sparks excitement for kickball enthusiasts around the city.  The Urban Tribe dusted off their cleats, embraced their rubber balls, and began anew their quest to become the Greatest Kickball Team in the Universe!

“We’re just happy to be back,” said team GM Denim. “With all the pregnancies and off-field hook-ups, we weren’t even sure what our lineup would look like tonight.”pregnant kickball

The re-tooled UT welcomed three new girls to the team including Christine, Melissa, and Lindsay.  The team was waiting for new nicknames to clear waivers so forenames continued to be used.

“Sometimes nicknames just don’t make it out of pre-season,” The Architect explained.  “Apparently neither does the intro music, beer, or Porn Star.”

The UT (1-0) was pitted against the Ballers (0-1), an expansion team who didn’t realize at least 9 players are needed to field a full team.

While a Congressman was calling the President a liar the UT was busy schooling the Ballers in the fine art of propelling a rubber ball through a humid atmosphere.  They erupted for 13 runs in the first four innings getting multiple hits from Ryan, John Kelly, Christy, Gould, Melissa, Ditka and the Joggler.

Gould nearly joined the Joggler & Ditka in the home run club, but was hit in the back with the ball as he scampered home.  “Gotta be honest,” panted Gould, “my training slipped a little in the off-season.  I wasn’t quite ready to go all 240 feet on that one.”

It seemed he wasn’t the only UT member affected by the layoff.  Their typical stellar defense sprang a leak in the later innings, which allowed the Ballers to score 4 unearned runs.

“It’s early in the season, we’ll get better” quipped Brewmaster who struggled at the plate but made a fantastic diving grab on a ball to squelch the opponent’s third inning rally.

Second year UT member Gabby agreed.  “I felt a little sluggish out there,” she said.  “I thought maybe I’d loose the last 7 pounds of pregnancy weight tonight.”

But fatigue was not the only thing working against the UT in the final few innings.  A new umpire missed a couple of easy calls.  And at least one member of the UT was shaken when they overheard a spectator on his cell phone saying, “She goes, ‘I know you like spanking me.’ I said, ‘Yeah, that’s ’cause you’re such a bad girl.'”

The stands were packed with UT supporters that included a baby, an inquisitive toddler, an affable canine, a top-notch golfer, and the feisty K-Ron who’s sitting out on the DL this season.  The UT will definitely miss her muscle in any late season rumbles.

In the end, the Urban Tribe was victorious 13-8, marking the fifth straight year they opened the season with a win.  They look to continue their winning ways next week on 9/17.

Reflections of a Rolling Rubber Ball

Posted November 5, 2008 by Perry
Categories: Kickball Chronicles

As I began my ascent into the night’s sky, I looked back and saw the Urban Tribe celebrating wildly. Peoplekickball2 cheering, arms flailing, and faces lit up, smiling widely. It was like watching a rally for a newly elected African American president. This was in stark contrast to the other side of the field where a gang of reprobates (their opponents Balled and Beautiful) pouted and scowled. They must’ve voted Republican.

While I went higher and higher, I saw the Joggler racing around second base yelling at Glamourous Gabby to keep going. She had slowed to stop at third, but he was already ¾ the way there and wanted her to go home. That guy is crazy on the base path. She scored and he eventually would too when Christie booted me just out of the reach of the inept second baseman.

At this height, the frigid autumn air alleviated the throbbing pain I felt where Ryan “The Hitcher” initially kicked me. While it wouldn’t be the farthest he would send me this night, it was the most painful. Of course, this pain paled in comparison to what K-ron must’ve felt when one of the B&B’s pink-clad Bruisers intentionally body checked her as she made a dazzling grab of my dusty yellow skin. The unexpected shot sent K-ron rolling onto the ground but she held me tight.

I heard a stunned Christie say, “Are you serious?”

And the bruiser, who clearly didn’t put the “Beautiful” into their team and also undoubtedly suffered a miserable childhood, hatefully snarled back, “That’s Right!”

When K-ron got over the shock she tossed me aside. I rolled to a stop at third base and watched the drama unfold. The benches cleared and tempers flared. It took Joggler and a dozen of the B&B team members to keep K-ron from confronting the pink Bruiser who cowered behind the crowd. Apparently, the Bruiser can only be bold when the other girl isn’t looking. Wild Thang earned her feisty nickname by getting into her opponent’s faces and animatedly expressing her displeasure. It took Mayday, Meatball, Denim, and a threat to cancel the game to pull her out of the fray. When it was over, each team went back to their benches and tried to resume the game. Bruiser was out and the UT was indignant. I shivered in the dirt waiting to be picked up again.

kickballAs I reached my peak, it was clear from my trajectory that no one was going to catch me. This would put the UT ahead by 4 runs, and would pretty much wrap up their first play-off win. Especially with defense like Denim’s diving grabs in left, the Architect’s super powered throws to Gould at first, and Wild Thang’s catch and tumble at short center.

Gravity pulled me back to Earth and I saw the patch of rocky dark grass where I would return. This wouldn’t be nearly as enjoyable as the hand-softened landing I got from Ditka’s amazing kick, or the finger-tip slow down on the one Brewmaster barely missed. Brewmaster would later redeem his fielding faux pas with a stellar inning of shut-out pitching.

When I hit the ground and rolled into the night, I couldn’t help but feel happy for the Urban Tribe. The playoffs have not been kind to them and I desperately want them to win. They are a force of good in this crazy kickball world. Their youthful enthusiasm, competitive spirit and overall good nature is a green beacon in the darkness of a corrupt world. They deserve to win the Championship and if their legs and hands cooperate, they will.

Letter to the Missing Urban Tribe Members

Posted October 17, 2008 by Perry
Categories: Kickball Chronicles

Dear Joggler and Mayday,

I hope you’re having a swell time wherever you may be.  These days, it’s hard to tell.  You could be spelunking in Spain or rappelling in Rwanda.  Anyway, I just wanted to write and tell you that we don’t need you anymore.  Yes, your upbeat attitudes and catchy tunes when you go up to bat really add some spunk to the team.  But on that beautiful evening last night, sans boom box and your funkadellic pitching, we went on to a 21-3 rout of Team Jager.

The first inning was an offensive display that we have not seen to date.  When the dust settled, the UT put six runs on the board.  (Actually it had just rained earlier that day so dust wasn’t a factor)  It turned out those six runs would have been enough for the whole game.  We were still apprehensive, knowing the mighty Team Jager was at home with an impressive 4-1 record.  They certainly must have some offensive proficiency.  It turned out they did, getting one run back in the bottom of the first.  They seemed to understand the “kick-it-on-the-ground-to-third” technique quite well.  However, that doesn’t work with a man (or woman) on first and second, especially with our third base specialist Architect and K-Ron at short.  Nothing gets by those two.  Force out – done.  You need to be more than a one trick pony to beat the UT.

The second, third, fourth, and fifth innings were more of the same.  More runs on the UT side, capped by a stunning home run to dead center field by Ryan.  Good defense kept them scoreless throughout.  Tribe 12-1.  Now you’d think at this point we’d hold them, get the slaughter and go to the local watering hole early.  The Tribe would have none of that.  It wasn’t beer they thirsted for.  It was more runs.  The first two Jagers made it on base safely with their aforementioned technique.  Then, flashbacks of our bumbling defense returned. (But you have to question whether it was on purpose so we could keep playing).  On a mishandled fly to the outfield, the ball was thrown home to try to get the first runner, which was late and off the mark.  They sent the second runner home while unnamed home plate defense was strolling casually to retrieve the ball, as if on a nature walk. It  which could have easily been retrieved and chucked at the second player on his way home to get the third out.  Bottom of 5, Tribe 12-3.  Game on.

The sixth was scoreless on both sides, which brings us to the 7th.  With the team that beat us looking on, we wanted to make a statement.  That statement was heard loud and clear as player after player crossed home plate.  With two outs and runs still coming in, JK was heard to say, “Will someone please pop it up so we can leave?”  He got his wish, and all that remained was to keep Team Jager from scoring 18 runs, because the UT now led 21-3.  There was a late pitching change and ace reliever Brewmaster took over for JK, who went to first base.  The first batter reached on a grounder.  The second batter hit a short pop up back to the pitcher, and we could have doubled them up if JK didn’t leave his post at first.  Apparently he thought he was still pitching.  First base isn’t as easy as it looks…

The last out was a “laser” back to the pitcher who deftly made the grab to end the game.  And there was much rejoicing…

Further highlights were at Stanley’s where there was a wicked shuffleboard competition.

I leave you with the famous last words of Jim Gould (who failed to show up):  “Rain or shine, my leg will be fine.”

P.S. – Meatball, we don’t need you either 😉

P.P.S – Events described above are from the fuzzy memory of the author who does not have the scorecard, and are likely to be off somewhat.  Just go with it. And good luck on becoming the most famous cosmetic chemist.


The UT