Urban Tribe Collapses

Posted September 30, 2008 by Perry
Categories: Uncategorized

CHICAGO – Doomed by dreadful defense, the Chicago Urban Tribe (3-1) finished up the month of September with an 8-10 loss to Team Hotness. (2-2)

“We failed. We failed as a team,” Joggler said. “There’s no pointing fingers. There’s no excuses. We as a unit didn’t get the job done.”

What followed was an awkward scene at Union Park.

The UT fans including Brian and the “can I have 60 cents” panhandler were speechless. They saw the mighty Urban Tribe rally only to fall late in the game. It made the after-game festivities at Third Rail feel more like a categorical word game about dry hair shampoo than a party.

“It would have been better if we would have won today,” Ditka said.

The dream of an undefeated season was shattered like Bush’s hopes of passing that $700 billion, rich guy bail out.

Missing Mark, Ryan & Christy due to injuries and work, plus a host of late-comers left the UT scrambling to fill spots in the early innings. Team DJ, Markie Margie Pierogi, filled in admirably as catcher to start the game. Mayday, playing short stop for the first time all season, just barely missed making a diving catch. But the UT held tough giving up only 1 run in the first inning.

Lead-off hits by Gabby & the Brewmaster were wasted when some poor base coaching led to a bases clearing double play. They’ve gotta stop letting their base coaches drink. But the offense finally came around in the fourth inning when they exploded for 4 runs. They added a couple more runs in the fifth and scored 8 for the entire game. The last one coming on an excellent line drive by K-ron that scored John Kelly.

“We scored enough that we should’ve won this one,” said Meatball who had 2 hits in 3 at bats.

Unfortunately, defensively the team experienced error after error giving up a season high 10 runs. The first faux pas happened early when first baseman Gould took an errant throw from the Joggler in the face.

“It’s tough to swallow,” Gould said. Although we couldn’t tell if this was a reference to the kickball game or the recent coming out of Clay Akin.

Other misplays happened on balls blasted out to the outfield catching the UT fielders off guard.

“I have to believe it, because it’s happening,” John Kelly said. “It’s a bad group for you to be there, as a player. I have no more words.”

When asked about the events in the field, normally sure-handed Brewmaster said, “I’d rather not think about it.” It was reminiscent of McCain’s feelings about Palin’s interview with Katie Couric.

The UT was tied with We Are Huge In Japan as the only undefeated teams prior to the loss.

“You feel heartbroken,” Wild Thang said.

Joggler (3-1) pitched a complete game giving up 10 runs on a bunch of hits and errors. He was out dueled by a smoking and drinking pitcher who had a hard time suppressing her delight.

“It is fun. I’m not going to lie to you,” Hotness pitcher Stephanie was heard saying as she puffed her cigarette between pitches. “The Tribe is good, but they just didn’t show up today.”

With the UT trailing by 2, Team Hotness sat down the last 5 batters to claim their second victory of the season. The game ended when offensive powerhouse Denim kicked a booming fly ball that was caught by the center fielder.

“I’m still kind of in shock over it,” a teary-eyed Denim said before cutting his comments short. “I can’t describe it. If I could take it back, I would, but I can’t.”

After the game the UT finished their beers and waxed on philosophical.

“We weren’t able to put it together, for whatever reason,” Mayday said. “We are a playoff-caliber kickball club that didn’t get it done.”

Get it done is what they’ll have to do next week if they want to right the ship. They take on We Get the Runs (3-1) at 8:30pm.

*Note:  The management does not stand behind the validity of any of the quotes or other information on this page.


Kickball Chronicle – Game 3 – September 17, 2008

Posted September 24, 2008 by Perry
Categories: Uncategorized

Dear Mom,

How are you?  I’m fine.  So sorry I haven’t Skyped you but you know how it is when Urban Tribe kickball season starts.  The non-stop travel and play is taxing.  Take last week’s game for example.

We were driving back from a trip to Minnesota when Denim called and said  “The game’s being moved.”  Even worse, we didn’t know who was supposed to bring beer.  You remember the last kickball game where we didn’t have beer?  The results were disastrous.  Fortunately, Denim stepped up to the plate and brought libations to satisfy the team’s adipsous.  I know how you don’t like to encourage drinking but even Jesus turned water into wine to help save a party.

The game was actually pretty exciting and a nice distraction from the stress of the collapse of the US economy.  We scored our first run when John Kelly and Denim both hit doubles.  Mr Blue Jeans might’ve scored on K-ron’s single but alas, speed left those legs right around the same time Phil Collins torpedoed his career with that cheesy “Two Hearts” ditty.

There were a few plays which you might find interesting.  Maybe you could let me know which one you think was the craziest.

1.   Mayday legged out a dribbler back up the middle.  She was safe and then inexplicably tried to cut across the diamond to get to second base.  I guess everyone has brief moments of confusion.  Have enough of them and you too can run for president.  She scored her first run of the season.

2.  John Kelly scored after Christy kicked a single and Emmit’s stopped paying attention to the kickball.  It was sitting 2 feet from home but everyone was looking at Christy.

3.  I got called out after missing home plate and getting tagged by the catcher.  It was a ridiculous call as there was no home plate!!  I know Mom, God did it for a reason.  I tell you, I certainly wasn’t pointing to the sky after that debacle.  On the plus side, Wild Thang was happy though because she specifically told me “Don’t hit a home run because I want another at bat!”

4.  Denim slides into third base and claims he will not wash his pants for the rest of the season.  We’ll see.

On the defensive side, we had our best game of the season.  The Architect hooked up with Gould to throw out Emmit after Emmit player.  It was like watching someone play that Buckhunter game in a bar.  I just hope the Architect can make it to tonight’s game.  I saw him on Dancing with the Stars last night and he looked good.

Our outfielders were stellar with sparkling plays made by John Kelly, Ryan and Brewmaster.  JK made a sliding catch which prompted Brewmaster to complain, “How come the ball gets hit out there when you’re playing that position?”  An inning later God must’ve been listening because he had one hit to him.  Unfortunately, “Oh sh**!” was his response to that as he slipped on the field trying to get it.

Excellent plays were also made by Wild Thang, K-ron, Christy, and Meatball.  Oh yeah, and remember that girl Gabby who you used to baby sit for back in the 80’s?  Yeah she’s on the team and she made a great play at second base.  She’s been a great addition to the team.   If only she could start kicking the ball where people aren’t.  As she says, “There’s too many people on the field!”

We crushed team Emmit’s 9-0 for our first shut-out of the year.  Their team captain was heard to say “I’m gonna have nightmares about you guys.”  The UT is on fire.

After the game we went to Cleo’s where Ditka joined us.  Our Tribe got a bit loud with some team members expressing outrage at the latest Sarah Palin gaff.  Gould wowed us with trivia like “How deep is the ice in Antarctica?”  Apparently, it’s like 2 miles thick or something.

Well, we’ve got another game tonight so I’ve gotta run.  Tell Dad I said “hi” and that I’m still waiting for him to get that home made distiller going.

Take care,

Perry, 44

Urban Tribe Blows Out Ball’d and the Beautiful

Posted September 16, 2008 by Perry
Categories: Uncategorized

CHICAGO September 10, 2008- While the Saudi Arabians were putting the final signatures on their pull-out of OPEC, the Urban Tribe (2-0) was waiting for the Ball’d and the Beautiful (0-2) to put 3 more players on the field. It was the sixth inning and finding 10 brave souls among the 28 on their bench to face the fury of the UT’s offense was proving too difficult.

“When we’re kicking like that, you can’t blame them for not wanting to continue,” said team GM Denim. “I certainly wouldn’t want to be in the field,”.

The UT’s offense erupted for 13 runs before the ump mercifully called the game in the 6th inning.

“Their hitting was ridiculous tonight,” explained a homeless spectator. He later added, “would you have 60 cents you could give me?”

However, the offense didn’t start off so sharp. Mayday led off the game with a solid single and moved to second on John Kelly’s ground out. Unfortunately, concern about the annihilation of the universe by the initiation of the large Hadron Collider distracted the next two hitters, Mark & Meatball who both popped out and left Mayday stranded.

“It’s hard to stay focused when you know at any moment the field may be swallowed up by a mini black hole,” said rookie Mark.

But after the fine Miller products brought by Denim and Wild Thang had time to calm the team’s nerves, the offense clicked. Christy, Denim, Mayday, Ditka and Joggler all had perfect night’s at the plate going a collective (13-13). John Kelly, Meatball and Wild Thang also had multiple hit games. In fact, everyone who didn’t oversleep and show up to the game late managed at least one hit. It seems the new, louder intro songs were working their magic.

“I felt a little sluggish prior to the game,” said Architect, “but I had a donut for dessert and it perked me right up.” He got his first hit and run scored of the season.

Of the 25 team hits, 6 went for extra bases. Many were solid shots but the defense of Ball’d and the Beautiful was a bit shaky. At one point they had only 3 people on the infield. One spectator remarked “You can put lipstick on a kickball but it’s still a kickball.”

Joggler led the way launching two home runs and collecting 5 RBIs. Christy blasted a double but was called out when she accidentally overran the base. With speed like hers, this sometimes happens. Ditka cranked a triple & scored on Denim’s double. Perhaps most surprising was Wild Thang’s bases clearing, walk-off home run.

“That’s the first home run I’ve ever gotten in any sport!” exclaimed WT when asked about the shot.

The game was tight for the first couple of innings. The UT was down 2-3 early and while absent Tribe members Ryan was losing his tan and the Brewmaster oogled Kendra from the Girls Next Door, a couple of balls bounced off their fingertips. But they clamped down after Kelly came in and pitched a flawless 3rd inning and shut down the Ball’d and the Beautiful.  K-ron snagged a couple of shots at short stop and Gould made an unassisted double play at first. Even slower pitches to the double x’s opponents didn’t hurt.

After the game the aging team didn’t hit the bars.

“Golly, this is a Wednesday night and I’ve gotta get up to go to work tomorrow,” said one UT member who asked to be anonymous. “I don’t know how those twentysomethings do it.”

The Urban Tribe did however, manage to finish off all the beer.

Nice work team.

Urban Tribe Comes Out Kicking

Posted September 6, 2008 by Perry
Categories: Uncategorized

The Urban Tribe showed the New Kicks on the Block what a veteran kickball team looks like.

John Kelly led off the game with a hit and quickly scored when bad girl Shannon ‘Mayday’ McKenzie legged out an infield squibber.  Powered by some sharp fielding and crafty kicking, the UT went on to win their first game of the season 4-3.

The Joggler (1-0) & Kelly combined for 12 strikeouts limiting the Kicks to just 3 runs.

“I was a little rusty, but it was breaking pretty good tonight,” Joggler said.  “I was lucky, they just weren’t getting any good leg on the ball.”

The UT’s victory came on a night made cooler by the cloud cover of a dying hurricane.  The gusts of Gustav made any ball hit into the air a real challenge.  Unfortunately, a couple of shots that would normally be caught, bounced just off the finger tips of our fielders.  Another one was lost by Chris ‘the Brewmaster’ Boone when he was distracted by a UT latecomer.

“We make those catches and this one’s a blow-out,” said GM Mark ‘Denim’ Schauerte.

There were some defensive gems however.  Tom ‘the Architect’ Szurgot had some sparkling catches at third, as did rookie sensation Ryan Robertson in the outfield.  Kelly made an amazing recovery to erase a runner at first.  But he came up limping on the play and should’ve had it looked at by team trainer Wild Thang.

When asked about his sore leg Kelly said, “There’s a reason this game is played by kids.”

Too old for the bar

Too old for the bar?

The offense was decent considering how many players were no doubt distracted by the historic and significant speech being made at the time by the most qualified Vice Presidential candidate to come along since Dan Quayle.  Kelly and the Joggler both had shoddy-defense aided home runs.

Veteran players Jim Gould and Karyn had multiple hits, as did Robertson.  Adult kickball newbie, Gabby Shilkaitis, also had a hit but confessed, “I don’t remember it being this hard in grade school.”

Indeed last year’s offensive powerhouses Mayday, Wild Thang, Tom ‘Ditka’ Kikta and Christy all struggled at the plate.  “I really think we should’ve had that practice,” Mayday was heard saying.

But in the end, the UT is off to a great start.  The management will definitely get better at showing up on time and calling out the girl’s positions between innings.  We’ll also have some great spectators as we did this week.  Finally, there’s no doubt that the rest of the season the UT will dominate better than a Russian birgade over foes in Ossetia.

What did you think of the game?  Was there anything you remember that wasn’t mentioned?  Leave a comment below.

Urban Tribe is Brining Thursdays Back

Posted May 21, 2007 by Perry
Categories: Social Events

For all you planners, here is the schedule for the next two weeks of New Bar Thursdays (NBT).

5/17 Last training session – Mystic Celt @ 8 pm
(South of Southport & Addison)

5/24 Official kickoff – The Gage @ 8 pm
(24 S Michigan @ Monroe — come after the JP Corporate Challenge run)justin

Training highlights:

* Chris White has perfect attendance
* Small Bar barely charged us for our drinks last week
* Even the marrieds like to come out once in a while (Sorry, Chris S, couldn’t help it!)
* Beaker brought new chicks to new bar Thursday

A refresher for those that did not attend last week and still don’t know why they are getting this email…

What is the idea behind “bringing Thursdays back” aka New Bar Thursday?

Go out every Thursday, but not necessarily at a “new place,” (as in just got a liquor license and new bars stools delivered) but rather “new” in that it is not the same place as last Thursday. For some, we may be going to an old favorite, a new neighborhood (I do leave Lakeview, on occasion) it may have drink specials, it may be a celeb hangout — whatever — it’s Thursday and that’s the only reason you need to show up!

Stay tuned for more info on the New Bar Thursday blog and your participation in bringing Thursdays back!

Lastly, for those of you on this list that don’t know me all that well and for those that do, I will never actually be there at 8 pm so don’t arrive, look for me and then think you’ve been blown off. Instead, get a beer, grab a chair and ask the person next to you if he or she is there for New Bar Thursday!

See you Thursday!


Pancaking our way through the play-offs

Posted November 21, 2006 by Perry
Categories: Kickball Chronicles

It was a cold and rainy night.  The muddy field held water like a gorged centipede holds blood.  Only 7 of our players were there to start the game.  It was a mess.

But this was playoffs and the game must go on.  At least that’s what those blockheads over at Player’s Sports club said.  The weather and other circumstances has made scheduling games this season tough, but to make us play in such conditions was ridiculous.  Not as ridiculous as Britney leaking her own sex tape so K-Fed doesn’t make any money off it, but close.

No matter.  Most of the Urban Tribe was there, and we kicked some butt!

On offense we were clicking on all cylinders.  We bounced back from last week’s poor showing to overwhelm Mrs. Butterworth’s Ballas 11-2.  Wild Thang woke up, blasting three hits in three at bats.  She also plated 3 RBIs in the process.  Denim continued his excellent hitting as did nearly everyone else on the team.  Yours truly booted a couple of round trippers out to right field that were just out of reach.  Porn Star has got some work to do to regain the home run title.

The sloppy field made for a couple of amusing moments on the basepaths.  In the first inning, John Kelly was standing on first when I kicked a liner to right. He took off for second but unfortunately his gym shoes were smoother than a ken doll’s pelvis and he started slippin’ and slidin’.  He made it to second easily enough but my Flash-like speed got the better of me and I didn’t stop at first.  When John Kelly saw me streaking towards second he made his move towards third.  But the path to third was even slicker and he started slippin’ again.  He looked a bit like he was rollerskating for the first time in 20 years.  He made it about half-way when the short stop got the ball.  JK was a sitting duck.  Sorry man, my bad.

To make matters worse, I was thrown out at home after Wild Thang made a great hit over the third baseman’s head.  Two outs were on me and at least one of my teammates let me know it.  But after a brief marital verbal duel and a quick apology by me, harmony was restored in the universe.

On the defensive side we were solid.  For 4 innings we smothered Butterworth like a pad of butter atop a pancake stack.  They could do nothing against outfield.  It was only after being shaken down by a rogue member of Chicago’s finest that our opponents found any energy.  A couple of lucky placed shots gave them their runs.  But they weren’t enough.  The game was called after 5 innings and we advanced to round 2 of the playoffs.

Tonight marks the return of the Pilot!  Hopefully, he will provide a much needed offensive lift.  I’m so sorry Mayday and I won’t be able to attend.  But John Kelly has some skills on the mound.  The Architect is an animal is third.  On the offensive side Porn Star will try to regain the home run title.  You guys can do it.  Now get out there Urban Tribe and bring home the title!

The Joggler

PS.  Check out the Stats page for updated numbers

Stumbling to the finish line

Posted November 14, 2006 by Perry
Categories: Kickball Chronicles

For this week’s chronicle, I wanted to write a dramatic piece about how the Urban Tribe came out strong, fell behind, and then in glorious fashion thumped Move, Pitch Get Out the Way to finish with a perfect 6-0 record. I wanted to write that, but it didn’t happen. What did happen was a tough loss featuring the worst kickball play I’ve seen since 1985 when little Bobby Vinatari donned the blue and gold gym shorts for the first time in months and proceeded to pick up the red ball any chance he got and throw it at the closest person. Evidently, he couldn’t figure out that kickball is different than dodge ball.

On the defensive side we had more drops than a white haired clown in a pink tutu. It was as if we all dipped our hands in Vaseline before going out in the field. Now I understand that Vaseline can spice up a weekend, but this is kickball people! For the playoffs, let’s try to keep that stuff at home.

On the offensive side we were quite at best. Sure, Mayday & Denim got a few hits and most everyone else got one hit. Unfortunately, these turned into a paltry 2 runs. This would’ve been fine if we were playing a team that scored like the Oakland Raiders but this was Move, Pitch, Get Out the Way. Despite the fact that they are grammatically challenged, they can definitely boot that ball. And catch it too. They snagged nearly every ball that was even close to them. It was like we were playing the Urban Tribe.

But it’s over. Let’s put it behind us. We’ve got a lot to be proud of this season. We bested our record from last year and nearly had a perfect season. The playoffs start tonight and we’ve got to get our A game back. We need to play smooth and relaxed like Emmit Smith in his Ultraflex Jazz Oxfords. We need to catch, and kick, and keep that music spinning.

We have the talent to win the league championship for the first time in the Urban Tribe’s fabled history. Now let’s get out there and win it!

The Joggler